Trauma Recovery Journals: August 12th, 2022

August 12, 2022

Every morning I wake up and I am angry. Because every morning, I open my bedroom door and smell the stench of days-old dog piss and shit. And I see days-old dog piss and shit. I do not understand how my 30-something roommates cannot see how fucking disgusting this home is. Maybe I will move somewhere with that new friend I met to avoid the mess of this place— I’ll take the least worst option, like I always fucking do.

What does it take to be able to have at least one good option? I genuinely do not know. I wish I did. I hate it here so goddamn much.

And now, of course, these dogs won’t stop barking…

I am trying very hard to have a good day today. I will fight tooth and nail to make sure that happens.

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I am a bit worried I won’t be able to get on disability or find affordable housing. If only someone told me when I was 15 I would need disability and affordable housing— I could have signed up and gotten housing by the time I turned 30 with these 15-year waitlists. I am so scared I don’t have anything in me to give, but I don’t have any other choices. It really does all comes down to a big fucking lack of choices, huh?

It reminds me of the quote I saw once, “My mom destroys me to watch me ask her for help.” My mom’s final act as my mother did exactly that— destroyed me. Only I finally learned, after 23 years, that she is a textbook narcissist who will not help me because it keeps me in her control. Kept me in her control. Not anymore. I also learned, after 23 years, to finally stop asking her for help.

I feel a bit better now getting that out of my mind and onto paper.

I am grateful for books, clean drinking water, and my bed.

Now, off to enjoy my day!

Later on August 12, 2022…

So, I tried to have a good day. I really did. But then I got fired from my job. No reason given. My boss was in tears and apologized for firing me. Literally how many more roadblocks can I take?

MetroWest Connection Hub cannot help me either, they don’t know of any organizations in my area who can help me.

Why bother trying? If it doesn’t pay off? I am so fucking sick of this bullshit. And fuck my boss for firing me and having the nerve to cry to my face about it. He had nothing to be crying about in that moment, the fucking dick.

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3 responses to “Trauma Recovery Journals: August 12th, 2022”

Elena @ TSAM

January 29, 2026

I so feel what you said here about your Mom, my Mum meets the textbook definition of a “Karen”, though she definitely has some narcissistic traits too. One of the hardest for me to deal with was when she literally sat and acted like she’d never physically abused me, like I’d imagined her taking her slipper to my ass over something my brother did — I was never her favourite child, he was. The sadist part is seeing it now: he’s the golden child, I was the scapegoat, and I’m seeing him grow up into a narcissist. Nothing I can do for my Mum is good enough. I own my own company, but I don’t have a corporate office or a team of employers, so just how much of a “company” is it? I’ve learned to stop sharing my life with her because I will never be good enough for her. The only person’s approval I really need is my own.

I’m also sorry to hear about your job, it sucks to be fired out of the blue. It happened to me too, when I worked for the NHS. I thought they liked me, they were always friendly too me. Suddenly my work attire was unprofessional and I was seen playing with my phone at my desk. I used to check my messages on my coffee break in the staff room and on my way home at the end of my shift, that was it. Some bosses fire crocodile tears. You will find a better employer.

heardandfelt

February 2, 2026

I am sorry you can relate! I too have noticed my “golden child” sibling following in our narc mother’s footsteps. I’m glad you’re focusing on and valuing your own approval now. That is really all that matters! Here is to better, for the both of us!

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1. Elena @ TSAM
  
  February 4, 2026
  
  Thank you. It is hard though whehn our instinct is to still try and seek the narc’s approval. You have to actively remind yourself you’re only hurting yourself!
  
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  Reply

Elena @ TSAM

January 29, 2026

I so feel what you said here about your Mom, my Mum meets the textbook definition of a “Karen”, though she definitely has some narcissistic traits too. One of the hardest for me to deal with was when she literally sat and acted like she’d never physically abused me, like I’d imagined her taking her slipper to my ass over something my brother did — I was never her favourite child, he was. The sadist part is seeing it now: he’s the golden child, I was the scapegoat, and I’m seeing him grow up into a narcissist. Nothing I can do for my Mum is good enough. I own my own company, but I don’t have a corporate office or a team of employers, so just how much of a “company” is it? I’ve learned to stop sharing my life with her because I will never be good enough for her. The only person’s approval I really need is my own.

I’m also sorry to hear about your job, it sucks to be fired out of the blue. It happened to me too, when I worked for the NHS. I thought they liked me, they were always friendly too me. Suddenly my work attire was unprofessional and I was seen playing with my phone at my desk. I used to check my messages on my coffee break in the staff room and on my way home at the end of my shift, that was it. Some bosses fire crocodile tears. You will find a better employer.

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1. heardandfelt
  
  February 2, 2026
  
  I am sorry you can relate! I too have noticed my “golden child” sibling following in our narc mother’s footsteps. I’m glad you’re focusing on and valuing your own approval now. That is really all that matters! Here is to better, for the both of us!
  
  Loading…
  
  1. Elena @ TSAM
    
    February 4, 2026
    
    Thank you. It is hard though whehn our instinct is to still try and seek the narc’s approval. You have to actively remind yourself you’re only hurting yourself!
    
    Loading…