“When your world moves too fast
and you lose yourself in the chaos,
introduce yourself to each color of the sunset.
Reacquaint yourself with the earth
beneath your feet.
Thank the air that surrounds you
with every breath you take.
Find yourself in the appreciation of life.”
-Christy Ann Martine
These past 4 months have really whooped my ass! From losing the first therapist who has not only not traumatized me but has also been helpful for my trauma, to not being able to find a replacement due to my unique needs as a psychiatric survivor with a history of trauma from forced, nonconsensual abuse at the hands of mental health professionals, to reactivating my chronic Epstein-Barr virus and myalgic encephalomyelitis thus rendering me housebound, to trying to not fall behind on my schoolwork after my computer broke and I was too sick to use my local library’s computers, to losing my food stamps and scrambling to figure out how to feed myself with my seemingly endless food intolerances, to trying to go on a relaxing vacation and making the tough decision to return home less than 12 hours later due to my chronic illnesses, to my condo’s electric wiring having a mental breakdown during the hottest week of the year, and the busiest week of the year for electricians,…. I just haven’t had a chance to catch my breath!
Heck, I’ve hardly even had the time or energy to keep up with my current friendships and schoolwork! All that’s to say, heard+felt fell to the wayside these last few months, and it will likely remain that way for some time. I hope you all understand— I have been hovering dangerously at full capacity these last few months, though only out of necessity. It is going to take me time to build stable supports in my life, considering the pillar of my support system that could bear the most weight with me has now disappeared, and the pillar holding up my finances (food stamps) has similarly crumbled. My extremely limited support and resources have been dwindling, rather than expanding like I have, for lack of better words, desperately needed them to for a long time now. Basically, there is no better time for me to practice gratitude than right now, when I am feeling particularly hopeless, powerless, and defeated. So let’s get into it.
1) Weed
Weed. Cannabis. THC. Whatever you wanna call it. As a chronic pain patient, I am grateful for nature’s painkiller. It has taken me a long time to not feel shame or internalized stigma around cannabis use, especially when I use it every single day. It also took me a long time to realize people who consume THC recreationally do it to get high, whereas I consume THC to manage my symptoms— I actually hate being high and I don’t smoke! I am also especially grateful to be alive during a time where I can access my medicine so easily and legally. While it’s certainly no cure-all and doesn’t have an effect all the time, I am still grateful to have non-addictive painkiller options that won’t burn a hole in my stomach or destroy my liver with daily use!
2) Ted Lasso
While sick this summer, I have discovered my new favorite show: Ted Lasso. I’ve already watched and rewatched the first three seasons. Why are there not more shows that feature humor, supremely kind people, underdogs that actually win, community that shows up, and unexpected vulnerability? A true comfort show if I’ve ever seen one! Plus, for a series about soccer/football, I was pleased it didn’t come across as patriarchal and misogynistic as one would expect. To my pleasant surprise, it’s my ideal show!!!! Let me know in the comments if there are any other similar shows I should watch!
3) Living in the United States
I know— this one is a bit of a hot take! And yet, for as much as this country absolutely sucks and fails every single one of us a little bit more every single day, it has just as many strengths that are all too easy to forget about. I am grateful to live in a country where I can get a second, third, fourth, or fifth opinion from a medical provider if I so wish. I am grateful to live in a country with public libraries. I am grateful to live in a country— or perhaps this one is exclusive to my homestate— where I still am covered under a health insurance plan despite not being able to pay a single cent towards it. I am grateful to live in a country where I can leave a man. I am grateful to live in a country where I was able to receive food stamps for so long, even if something as irrelevant as my education status can cause me to lose those food stamps in the very same country. I would be even more grateful if my country recognized that unemployed, disabled, part-time remote college students with extensive medical dietary restrictions need to eat too. But I have hope that one day that will be the case— because I am lucky enough to live in a country where legislation can and does change, where state resources can and do change, and where the people in power can and do change.
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4) Acupuncture
I just recently started acupuncture in my ongoing efforts to manage my chronic pain without prescription medication, and so far it’s been great! I had heard a lot about acupuncture from friends and peers who had tried it. All of their experiences sounded utterly weird to me, to be honest. I felt pain-relieving effects as immediate as after my first session. It was indeed as weird of an experience as everyone had described– albeit a good weird. I got stuck with needles and somehow walked out feeling like I had gotten a full-body deep tissue massage. I’m not sure how or why acupuncture works for pain management, but it certainly does work. For that, I am so, so grateful.
5) My new iPad
I recently purchased an iPad Air with my discount as a college student. I have been wanting a new iPad since I had to leave mine behind while fleeing from the abusive Red Mountain Sedona program in Sedona, Arizona. It felt a bit full-circle to be able to purchase an iPad for myself, when not too long ago I was leaving mine behind with only room in my 1 suitcase for absolute essentials to flee for what I hoped would be somewhere safer. Better yet, this new iPad is a pretty lavender purple! Much better than the boring old white iPad Air I had years ago.
What are you feeling grateful for lately? Let me know in the comments!
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heard+felt is a 100% reader-supported publication. to help fuel my writing, consider buying me a coffee (or tea)! (https://buymeacoffee.com/annaekeenan)
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